And just like that, she felt alright.
He loved her, and it didn't matter in which way.

I fall in love with sad people, I fall in love with broken houses, and the fact that one day we might have to drink our selves to sleep. 

I thought I didn't have room in my chest for someone like you, I hate that I was wrong because I swore I didn't have room left, because of him.
You crept your way into my home and you found my heart, you held it and I fell.
I hate that you kiss me and that the thought of you leaving isn't ok.
Our love is depression and hormones, it's the smell of perfume and the taste of cigarettes.

It's talks till 5am and "love making" with clothes on.

It's telling each other how bad we suck at relationships but burying ourselves into each other till we can hear our bones scraping together and we can feel the ache of our hearts fighting each other.
I want to hold you during your worst days, I want to tell you how much I adore you and how much I love the idea that we might not last.
I was happy with being in love with someone who didn't love me back, I was alright with writing about the same old thing, retelling stories about him to small crowds.
I miss my nights with him, I miss the way he messed with my head and the way his hands felt.
But I love our nights together and the movies we don't really watch.
I love that you sing songs against my lips and that we can talk about everything.
I love the way your skin feels against mine.
I love the idea that you may not want me as much as I want you.
I'm not going to say I love you.
I don't think I love you, but i'm worried that one day I might.

It's been far too long since i have written anything, but what's the point in me writing anything when I have nothing to say.

Everything I tried so hard to keep together is falling apart.

For several days now, all I feel is this black hole in my chest,

It just keeps sucking in all that I have worked so hard to fix about myself.

I'm not happy 

and

I think I've lost you

I'm not too proud of this blog anymore.

In fact, I'm not too proud of anything anymore.

GAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
FUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKK

GARRAHHHGGG
WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH YOU?


This is honestly all I feel right now.

For the guys I dated

1
We didn't really date.
We kissed. You were drunk.
You had a girlfriend, you told
me you were in love with her.
You are a registered sex offender,
also you were in a band;
I should have known better.

2
You wore wife beaters and
drank bottles of Dylsem.
I regret you.I hate how
I can't take the feeling of
you off my skin.

3
Having a family at 19 should not
be on your list of things to do.
You laughed when I was throwing up, at least
you were nice enough to fish my
piercing out of the toilet.
You were in a band, I should have known
better,
again.

4
You were the only
guy I was actually friends with before
we dated. You were also the only guy
that ever did a guitar cover for me.
Consider yourself lucky that I
actually fell for you.
I'm sorry it ended like it did.

5
My first everything.
I wish things could have worked out better,
you were broken, I was lost,
because of that we created something
beautiful. I wouldn't take back anything that
happened with you. Good or bad.
Part of me is who I am because of you.


For the guys I haven't dated

1
Congratulations,
this probably means that there isn't
anything wrong with you.

For the people in my life

1

You are the most beautiful poem I ever wrote with such a cheap pen.

2

You didn't let depression take you, 

you are the strongest person I know 

and I'm so thankful I get to see you

everyday. 

3

I'm sorry we fight.

If I could I would give you all the stars, 

I'm sorry I am so bad at speaking, 

just know that every other stars means 

how much I love you 

and the ones left over are how thankful I am.

4

You drink too much,

but I want to be so much like you. 

5

Words cannot express how thankful I 

am for you. 

6

I'm am lost in your sea, 

you left me with torn sails and no anchor

You make me want to get over my fear of the water

because I love being lost in you.

7

3 kids. 3 kids. 

Night shift. 

Holy shit, you are light speed. 

You amaze me. I could never do what you do.

8
You don't spend enough time on yourself
and I'm sorry I'm part of that problem.
More people should be like you.

9
Everyone else:
Thank you.

Being a poet is just too depressing

He spit poetry like lightning, some people hid and some people danced. 

I on the other hand was struck. My whole body hurt, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. 

You see these scars? Aren't they beautiful sad.

This is the best way I can describe how you make me feel

I had a forest growing inside my chest, where young lovers carved their names in trees, with a cabin for honeymooners who were entwined like puzzle pieces. 

You could hear whispers in ears:
"I'm not sure if this will last forever, but I don't really care if it doesn't, because we are forever right now. I adore you, I need you, I don't want to get the feeling of you off my hands and I don't want to stop kissing your lips."

"You mean as much to me as anyone could. I don't fall in love this easily, I love you, I think I need you. No one has to know, this is just you and I. We can die if you want to, as long as I can make you my grave. My chest was built to quake for you and my hands were shaped to fit your flesh."

My chest had a forest full of memories, now it's nothing. 
The last lovers who were here burned it down. He fucked her, lit a cigarette as she laid next to him, bruises down her back, the feeling of his breath still on her neck.

He burnt it all down, all of it. Destroyed, not even ash was left, just skeletons. 

It's sad really, we both have these blogs dedicated to a person we love but we can't have. I don't want to say that we're pathetic, because I don't think you are, but I think I am
And I feel like we are a lot alike, so maybe we are both sad and pathetic.

I don't think you are pathetic,  but I think you are sad.
Very very sad.

It's been more than 365 days that I first fell in--

And I--
God. . Your hands.
Your God damn fucking hands have alwa--

I just don't know if I should be happy or very sad.

\

Our mouths don't belong with each other, the way they entwine and part to fit like an artist with a blank canvas.
My lips don't belong on your lips like jumper cables.
Our lips don't go together,  they never did, never will

never can.

SeptEMBER

Unfortunately, my hands smell like cigarettes
And my bodies cold
And you're at home
And my eyes are tired
And my body is slowly m
                                             E
                                                L
                                                    t
                                   ing
Deeper and deeper and deeper into my sheets, I can nearly feel my floor boards cracking as I keep replaying our nights together and how I really wanted my body to be filling with cancer so it wasn't just stealing you away and I can feel your head on my shoulder and how your socks felt on my feet.
My sheets won't stop whispering and my floor won't stop creeking and I'm glad I'm cold because it reminds me of our nights together and how they don't mean as much to you as they do to me,
and every night it's never enough, it's never enough time, you get tired and I pretend i'm tired too and you take me home and i'm numb all over again and I don't want to go to sleep because I don't know if my mind can handle the way your hands feel or the way your voice sounds when you say
"I adore you"
You pretend too much and you tell too many jokes and I can't help but fall in love with you over and over
and over
and over
a n d
o v e r   a g a i n

Fall is here, I know this because i have fallen and I can't get back up, and I don't know if I want to

I have been trying to figure myself out, trying to find myself and with this poem I said I wasn't going to write about you. This is about me.
I'm a teenage mother who would give up anything in the world if it meant making her daughter smile, I try everyday to make people happy and I try to put others in front of myself but sometimes that gets hard when I don't even really let anybody in.
I went out with someone tonight and talking to him made me realize how much I'm letting R fuck with my head (I really just need to know), 
this kid told me everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, it made me feel good that people are always comfortable enough to tell me things. 
I like that people know I'm not quick to judge, I may not have gone through a lot but I know how the world works and what gives me the right to judge people who see the world differently or who have experienced it differently. 
I like that I come off as an open person, and I pride myself in being open minded.
I have a lot of insecurities, I hate my teeth and I hate my smile. I hate how my ass looks and I hate that my eyebrows never look right, I hate how massive my forehead is, and I wish I was funnier. I wish that I was more comfortable with going out and doing things with people, I wish I was more comfortable in groups and it would be nice to be able to talk to some people who I actually want to talk to.
I have my days where I won't even want to write a sentence because I have read something someone else has written and I just want to give up, and recently I have given up and I'm not proud of myself for that because I don't give up easily and that's one of my good qualities but also one of my burdens. 
I have never taken no for an answer and if I have I never let it go; I'm working on this. 
I'm trying to be as honest as possible with this because I thought that maybe if I write it all down I can figure myself out a bit better, I know that this isn't my best work and I know this isn't even close to as good as somethings other people have written. I just don't want to give up, I want to keep proving to myself that I can tough this world out and not just for my daughter, I want to tough it out for myself too. 
Who am I?
I'm Susan, teenage mother, animal lover, vegetarian (Except I eat fish) but I don't eat dairy, I find beauty in the simple things but I can also find the flaws in the littlest things, I'm obsessed with damaged goods and I love things that have stories behind them, I have been in love with everything vampire since Elementary school and I always thought God messed up when he created me human, I'm also not sure If I believe in God but I know I believe in good and evil, I don't have a favorite color but I do fancy forest green, I love sushi and I hate wasabi, I drink more tea and coffee than I do water, I LOVE to dance, I change my hair a lot so I don't get bored with myself, I sleep with 4 pillows and I can't sleep without them, I think freckles are beautiful and I'm obsessed with hands and collar bones, I think serial killers are fascinating and I could tell you nearly everything about Charles Manson, and I always end up falling in love with people who are broken and I worry it's because I want to feel needed, I'm always attracted to the sociopaths in movies (my parents can never understand why and I wish I could tell them), and I am really bad at keeping in touch with people, and I can never figure out what I want to do with my life.
I'm not perfect and I'm not the best human and I'm definitely not the best at being human, but I'm here and I'm learning how to survive.
I worry that I won't give up on you R and I think that worries you too. 
I hope my daughter grows up being proud of her mom and I hope she doesn't hate me for never trying to fix things with her dad, I hope that she can see that beyond all the ugly the world is beautiful and that it is worth trying.
I'm really just simple and I'm not as scary as I look, I promise. 
I hope you understand that there is beauty in all of you; unless of course you are child predators, animal abusers, or you think you have the right to take away other peoples rights, other than that I want you to all know that you are beautiful and there is a reason we are all different. 
How boring would the world be if we were all the same, that is when there would be no point in living. I think i'm starting to realize the world can be a beautiful place, we have to make it beautiful for ourselves. 
I don't know how to end this stupid thing, except,
R, if you read this, what's next?.

For all the people who actually give a shit, 

thank you.

Susan Atkins 

Here are a few things I can so easily find beauty in, and I hope you can too.

You can't just come into my life and then walk right out like we never had anything

Your phone is broken and i'm panicking,
I also ate some pizza today. This all makes me feel so weak.
Like how hard is it to resist dairy and how hard is it to just fucking leave you alone for a whole day.

Today I feel small and empty, I'm tired but I can't sleep.
My eyes hurt and I haven't even seen you since Friday, or maybe Saturday.
I quite smoking and all I have wanted to do is smoke since my best friend left to China.
This whole love triangle thing is making my stomach hurt,
You love her. She doesn't love you. I love you. You don't love me.
And I wish she would have never moved back
and I hope you don't ever have to run into her because she doesn't deserve to see you.

All I want is for you to give me my heart back, I don't want you to have it anymore.
I can't tell if i'm wasting my time and I don't know if i'm just digging my grave farther and farther into your chest every time I talk to you.
All I want to do is go to the park where you laid on me, roll up in the biggest flannel shirt, and sleep.
And i'll hope the stars aren't out because it's just another reminder of you.
I know, I know,
this is really getting old, all of this is getting really fucking old
my poetry
my job
your job
the stars
the day
How I feel about you.
All of it. It's all just old news that I want to just sweep under the carpet of some abandoned house that no one goes into, because I don't want the burden to be discovered by someone who was just trying to get away from all the shit in their life.

When she grows up i'll make sure she knows about you, and that if she doesn't feel the way about a guy, like I feel about you, that they aren't worth her time.
And maybe I will be with someone else, I just worry I won't ever love them as much as I loved you.
I don't think i'll ever get over you and it sucks.
It really sucks.

___ __ __,

Susan Atkins

I-I-- won't ever stop craving your hands

ever
       ever
               e
v
      e
             r

My imagination won't stopstopstop and my hands keep runningrunningrunning, through your hair

Tonight has just been one of those nights, nothing is going how I planned. I keep forgetting that when I actually plan things they never go how I want and people never stay, not only 
that but I have this pair of underwear and It's my absolute favorite pair but every time I wear them nothing goes right, 
and this right here is when I compare you to my favorite pair of undies, 
You're my favorite accessory and your skin is my favorite color; like how my undies are my favorite color.
With you most things we do go right, I normally plan what i'll say to you or where I'll touch you; that is if  that night I even gain the courage to feel your warmth on mine. 
You're confusing me, I'm not sure exactly what you want and I think i'm okay with that because i'v always liked being lost more than I have being found because things are just so much easier, you don't have to explain things to people or justify why your feeling what you're feeling. 
My dear, it's been over a year and i'm still tangled in you, I'm still lost in your emptiness and i'm still chasing your monsters. 
I'm not going to apologize because I shouldn't have to apologize for feeling because I don't feel much at all. 
In fact, i'm not going to try anymore, i'm also not going to give up. I'm just going to let things be.
I'm just going to let this be
 Y O U && M E
Because if you really look at all of this, that's all it is when we're together, we are two people full of so many vices who keep filling each other up with more human flaws and more stories to tell and more feelings to share to each other, if it's ever JUST you and I, 
and if one day it's not just you and I, you will be able to tell her about me and i'll be able to tell him about you,

and we'll laugh because we were young and restless and we thought we knew we were in love. 
I know you think you love her
and I know I think I love you, 
but I know that we are also lost, and how can we piece us with someone else when we can't even piece ourselves together correctly. 
But here I am still trying to piece myself with you and you're still trying to piece yourself with what's left of her and this worries me. 
This whole world worries me. 
And one day my daughter is going to grow up and the world will worry her and I hope she doesn't fall for someone like you or someone like me, because that is when I'll be worried the most. 

We are more than just teenagers, we are misfits with greater purpose

He loves being fucked up more than he loves being in love,
And I love being fucked up on love more than I love being just, fucked up.

F U C K Y O U
                            substance.

I still love you,
I'm just slowly giving up.

My hand was 6 inches away from your hand but I could still feel your hand burrowing itself into my skin,
I could feel how worried you were that we were friends.
I could see Blonde and blue and red and I could feel your sadness and I could taste your vices.
I think I felt your anger, but I'm not sure because sometimes i confuse it with happiness.
Especially with you, I'm never sure.
When I think I get you, I'm lost again.
The grass stung like needles as you laid next to me.
 Your jacket, your shirt, your skin, my shirt, my bra, my skin. We were 6 layers away from touching each others hearts,
but in that moment as bombs burst I felt your voice bury my heart deeper into my chest.
We were 4 layers away from our skin holding each other and I bet you didn't even think about that,
how in that moment if we wanted to be we could be entwined, not making love, just holding each other.
Just holding
                    e
                   
 a
                         c
            h
                   o
t
    h            
                          e
            r

as innocently as we could while destroying as little as possible

and then

I remembered how good of friends we are,
and how scared I am to loose that

I don't know why I'm still trying

and i'm sorry for that, but most of all i'm sorry i'm not the best scavenger

I'm willing to spend all my time gathering up the parts you left.

Wish me luck in finding them, because you've been broken in so many different places.

We ( i ) coexist

Fuck.

I was really hoping that this wasn't going to go where this is going
You're empty and i'm empty and we can fill each other up, I can grow you a forest and give you arms to write on.
I think what i'm trying to say is i'm lost, I haven't seen you in a while and I have nothing to write about

this scares me
                        I
                      don't
                      want
                      you
                      to
                      be
                                            that

important.
And I hate you for it, but when I say I hate you I don't, and that is what I hate the most
I'm fucked up, thank God I have my daughter or i'd be more insane.

I'm laying my skin out for you, I'm always layered
but i'm laying myself out for you.
I'm disappointed in myself, I'm normally so much stronger than this,
than all of you, and all of this
 I wish I was more comfortable in my own skin and that I was comfortable with the thought of letting you go.

When I decided that I had to write today I was really thinking it would be so much better,
this all sounds so much better in my head,
 for some reason, lately I just  haven't been able to use words correctly.

A dear friend of mine passed away this week, she was beautiful and made the room light up as soon as she walked into it
we have many people devastated that she is gone, I am so sad for her 2 daughters who she loved more than anything.
Sheila, I'm thinking about you. I wish we could have been closer but thank you for accepting me into your family and loving kara and I.
There is a light missing on this earth now that you are gone,
I guess heaven needed your sense of humor and I guess you were ready to make heaven a little brighter.
I love you

There is a part of me that is hoping I don't wake up tonight, but there is also a part of me that hopes I do and that's only because of her.
She saves my life everyday.

Most of the time I just really wish I could keep my mouth from bleeding the truth, it gets me in too many awkward situations or just breaks too many hearts.

I had a lot more to say than my chest thought I did

My chest feels heavy and I think i'm running out of oxygen. I'm writing this in my bathroom because it's the only place in my house I feel comfortable, it's 2:45 in the morning and I wanted to go to bed early tonight but I can't sleep (it's not your fault) It's because I drank a 24oz cookie monster from Beans and Brew and It had 4 shots of espresso. Irrelevant, I know. Tonight I just need my mind to wander because my chest has been heavy since 1:00 this morning.
I never meant to hurt you or make you cry or make you feel like a terrible person. I'm sorry that the only good poems i'm able to write are about you, it fucking pisses me off.
I'm terrified of loosing you.
 I believe everything happens for a reason and I know your here for a reason.
I want you to know that I found myself because of you, I'm a better mom because of you and a better person. I'm not sure how you made me a better mother, I do know that i'm not dating anyone because of you and i'm so grateful for that. I need to find myself and I needed to focus on my daughter. I'm terrified of loosing you, and I hate how much I care about you.
 I wish I could figure out what's wrong with her, I wish I could understand why she choose him instead of you, I wish you could be holding her and reading her stories.
I wish you didn't think that we shouldn't have done those things together, because as cliche as this sounds I know i'm in love with you and I hate the way my keyboard sounds when I am typing that.
I hate how it rolls off my tongue when I'm alone and I hate that my best friend has to hear about you all the time.
I apologize.
But i'm not really sorry because I don't think you realize your potential or how much people care about you, I do think she loved you, I just think she made the wrong decision.
She is beautiful and It hurts every time I scroll past one of her pictures but I love reading her blog because It reminds me that two young people can be happy.
I don't give up easy, if I believe in something it eats at me until I make it real.
A lot of the time I think it's more of a fault than something to be proud of and that's why I haven't given up on you or us or what ever we are.
I will always hope you got over her and every time we do something I know how you feel about her and I love hearing how you talk about her.
I am so sorry she wasn't the one who got to go camping with you or that she isn't getting milkshakes with you or how she didn't get to meet your dog.
I don't know why we fall in love and I wish I knew, I wish that I could tell you I wasn't sober right now but I am,
I'm just light headed and shaky, i'm so sorry that this is almost a reply to everything you just wrote and i'm hoping you wake up today and that you are alright.
I'm so sorry that this is full of so many apologizes, I never wanted that when I started this,
I'm not sure what I wanted. I just let my finger tips type the best they can and my mind wander till i'm not panicking anymore.
I never wanted to make you cry and it kills me that I have.
You're the reason I want to write and the reason I want to stop writing.
I don't want to loose you, I am so scared to loose you and I hate how that makes me feel.
I thought about deleting your number and unfriending you and just pushing you out of my life but I just couldn't do it.
It's 2:59am
my chest is still tight and I wish I could say I cried a lot more and I really wish I had a cigarette and I turn 19 next week and i'm worried.
And where ever I go or where ever I am, I just want you to know that I will always care about you and I will always be in love with you and I will always wish I carried your heart, I don't want you to be sad when you read this and I don't want you to regret anything we have done or that you have done because you are here and you are alive and you are the stars and the moon and the trees and the mountains and my favorite parts of my favorite things and I will always be obsessed with your hands.
I'm not ready to let you go and i'm not ready for this all to just fall apart because i'm happy. I'm happy knowing that we are friends. I love being able to talk to you and pet your dog and laugh with you.
I love that you're my friend and i'm not ready to loose you.
I'm so sorry if this upsets you, but things aren't supposed to fall apart yet.
Sometimes I wish I never read that poem in front of everyone and that you never sent me a message on Facebook or that I even friended you on Facebook. I wish that I didn't write any of this but I felt like I was going to suffocate and I really need you to know all this.
I'm worried you are going to see the picture and think I didn't mean every part I wrote, but I do, I mean everything I write and everything I have ever written,
but sometimes the things I mean most are the things I don't say when i'm with you and i'm so so sorry for that because sometimes words mean nothing and my silence means everything.
It's 3:56am and i havent stayed up this late since we went camping, and that was because of you.
I'm so worried you're going to read this and decide we can't be friends or that we shouldn't talk or go on walks for hours at 1:00 in the morning because sometimes those are the only things I look forward to when I'm not feeling OK or when I just need someone to talk to.
When you read this please don't be sad,
I'm sorry I try too hard and i'm sorry you can't go back in time.

Maybe one day we can build that time machine together, 

but i'm not ready to loose you just yet. 

I get it,

all I'm good for is writing love poems

But all you're good for is being in them

Hughston,

When you read to me all I could picture was the forest around us in flame, the only reason we didn't burn too was because your words made an ocean, it was just us and your dog floating, nearly touching the stars.
The words bled from your mouth like you were an artist, It was then that I realized how lucky I was to spend time with you in a forest where we felt so small and a little less human

Thank you.

Well, I have nothing better to say

Taktu hár mitt í hendur og draga mig að vatninu, hvísla hversu miður þú ert í eyra mitt, kyssa enni mínu. lá með mér í AF gljúfrið og horfa á stjörnur falla fyrir einhvern annan. Við óskum stjörnur sýnd bara fyrir okkur, viljum þetta vatnið var bara fyrir okkur. Þú vildi að ég væri henni, ég vildi að ég væri henni. Kyssa hálsinn minn með höndunum, binda múrsteinn til líkama minn, láta mig fljóta til botns og þegar þú ferð að veiða hér þú munt hafa áhyggjur ef það er ég lent á línu, aftur.

It's probably too late to tell you this, but i'm sorry.

I'm sorry that we didn't work

I'm sorry you aren't happy

I'm sorry she was easy

I'm sorry I yelled a lot

I'm sorry I pushed you

I'm sorry I don't believe in much

I'm sorry I can't get over him

I'm sorry I never look up for answers

I'm sorry this is passionless 

I'm sorry I love being lost

I'm sorry you lied a lot

I'm sorry you thought I loved you for longer than I did

Ah well,

I'm not sure where i'm going with this, welcome to my train of thought

2 sugars in my coffee is fine, thank you.

I would normally say:

Dude, give me A LOT of 
                                        Sugar

But this morning i'm not feeling so sweet, I don't deserve a lot of sugar.
I'm feelin' bitter and my coffee is black like my toes after that one poetry video,
you know the one with the snow. 

Batman never fails to hold my coffee so well, except this morning the fact that i'm drinking out of my Batman mug is only

P
I
S
S
I
N
G 

me off.

 I don't deserve to drink out of a hero mug

ESPECIALLY not one with my favorite superhero on it. 

My daughter is outside on the back porch eating coca puffs, It doesn't get any more poetic than a pure 2 year old child eating breakfast on a porch full of so many ghosts.

My daughter came into the house casually saying "There is a spider on me." I look at her arm and I see this huge nasty white spider. 

Parenthood is pretending you're tough.

In my head I said: 

SHIT, what do I do? Oh my God. Oh my God. 

What I really said:

MOM, THERE IS A SPIDER ON KARA! Oh God, what do I do?

Being a parent is pretending you're tough.

Excuse me, but I just realized something. I don't deserve you this morning, or yesterday morning, or tomorrow morning, or any morning. I guess that's why I only get you at night

Love always,

Susan Atkins

My cat is on the kitchen table and I'm too much of a rebel to tell him to get down

This is me right now:

Do I want to write? 
Eh, I don't know,
I think I feel like writing.
No. I don't. 


When the day comes that I look you in the eyes and all I can see are two bodies as one, drowning in red bed sheets
I promise you right now 
I won't let that happen. I care too much. 
All I really need is for you to hold me.
I have seen bedroom eyes, I don't like how they make me feel.

I don't really feel like writing. 

2 years old

Tonight I feel like writing, and it's not because of you or because someone died.
It's not because he cheated on me or because I love you.
I think i'm slowly devouring myself, it worries me. I don't think that gravity can hold me down any longer and i'm not really sure God has hope in me any more.
I'm not saying i'm going to give up any time soon, I have one very important reason and she's the reason I keep on going.
She's the reason I wake up in the morning
She's the reason I work
The reason I graduated High School
The reason I quit smoking
The reason I'm not a total wreck
The reason I haven't ran away
and the reason i'm still mostly sane
She's the reason i'm still alive and not floating off in some river in American Fork canyon.
My daughter is the reason life is so much more important to me.
The way she smiles can make the day so much brighter and when she laughs she makes the world have more important meaning.
She is only 2 and her jokes are funnier than zach galifianakis and to be honest she is really only a little less vulgar.
She is a crazy 2 year old whose eyes hold the universe and her hands create so much beauty.
Her voice makes the world quake; no really, she screams really really loud.
Her little butt cheeks make my heart melt (only mothers understand this).
She can't get enough of animals and they can't get enough of her, even when she is running after them growling.
I don't think I have ever seen so much purity in my entire life and it shocks me because she was created by two messed up teenagers.
I always told myself that I never wanted kids and I have never been more thankful for someone in my entire 18 years of life.
My hero is Kara, a crazy 2 year old girl who doesn't even know the meaning of the word.
Everyday she makes my day a little bit brighter.

Ekki fara frá mig

Last night when we were talking about the weather I saw us sitting together on our front porch looking up at the stars,
                     SILENT


 you were wishing that we weren't as close and I was wishing we were closer.
We rocked back and forth till we swore we were rocket-ships heading right towards the moon.

75 years old and I wish I loved you less.
Our porch creaked reminding me of the time you held me after I had too much to drink and how you kissed me even though I kept hitting you.

Last night when you told me that your favorite temperature was sweater weather all I could think about was keeping you warm with my body and how that was the only reason my favorite temperature was 50 degrees.
Rocking back and forth with you on that rocking chair was as close as we could get to being similar and in-sync, your flannel, 2 buttons missing exposing your chest where your heart once beat at irregular pace, and your hands tracing stories across my legs

I'm obsessed with your hands
and how they hold
way
too
many
secrets.

78 years old and all I can hear is one rocking chair trying to rock me away from the stars because they remind me of how we used to walk your dog and tell jokes,
or how bad it felt to be in love with you, and how good it felt when you finally loved me back.
This cabin is now only full of memories, like the time you spilled tea on the story you finally finished writing and how the words bleed off the page like the time we held each other in the bathtub and just let the water fill the whole house. Memories like the time we got so high we forgot other people existed; I threw your favorite vinyls and you still wanted me to hold you. Memories like when you told me you never loved me as much as you loved her, but the way you made love to me that night was like you had never loved anyone so much.

I'm obsessed with your hands, how the lines never end and how they are so rough but some how so soft and how they move through your hair and write your poems.
I'm obsessed with your hands.

Last night when we talked about the weather I wanted nothing more than me laying in your arms, with your hands open, palms to the sky catching moon rocks just for me.

We were very in love,

Susan Atkins

Just friends

I woke up this morning and it hit me,
I'm not quite sure why I spend time with you and I'm not sure why you spend time with me either.
I was raised better than this, my parents taught me that life isn't fair but to be thankful for what I have.
When i'm at my lowest the sound of your voice makes me feel high, I swear I can see stars when you talk, and when you look at me I see explosions in the sky.
I know you won't ever love me like you loved her or like you love her, I wish I could say that i'm ok with that but i'm not, i'm just dealing with it.
I don't want to loose you and I don't want to loose whatever we have.
You keep my head on straight.
I'm so glad I have you in my life, even though every time the hours we spend together end, I feel heartbroken.
My stomach twists when i'm with you and my throat hurts when you tell me stolen jokes.
But your smile lights the sky and your hands bring me to life; I wish I could hold them so I didn't feel so zombie.
Every time I hangout with you we create memories I won't ever get away from,

                                                Lakes
                         
                                                                          AF Canyon
                         
                                                                                                                Polaroids
                             Slurpees

Donuts    
                                                        Super-moon

                                                                                                                        Rape-jokes

                       Stars                                                            
                                                                                              Music
                                                                                                                                        Provo
                                                       Sprinklers
Dancing


                                                                                                        Milk Shakes
           Walmart
                                                   Fires
                                                                         
           
                                                                                                                   Joshua James
                                                                          Fireworks

                  Ryan Gosling
                                                                                                                            Ponds
                                                         Letters
                                                               

I won't ever be able to get away from you, even when you leave me.
I don't just love anybody, so just know that when I say I love you no one has ever meant it more than I have.
All I want you to know is that there is someone who loves you at your best and who loves you even more at your worst.
I'm so happy that you let me create memories with you, I just wish I could understand why you do it.
I'm hoping that one day you will fall for me, even just a little bit
Until then, thanks for being my friend.

I adore you, the world is worried,

Susan Atkins 

July.

It's July 4th, it reminds me of you. 

July, reminds me of you. 

You're into strangling? I get that. That makes you better than most of the people on this earth. Here's my chain, Darling. It's not for you to keep me in the kitchen, i'd burn your food on purpose. You can have me, but you can't own me. I'm already in love with you, what more do you want?