I still love you,
I'm just slowly giving up.

My hand was 6 inches away from your hand but I could still feel your hand burrowing itself into my skin,
I could feel how worried you were that we were friends.
I could see Blonde and blue and red and I could feel your sadness and I could taste your vices.
I think I felt your anger, but I'm not sure because sometimes i confuse it with happiness.
Especially with you, I'm never sure.
When I think I get you, I'm lost again.
The grass stung like needles as you laid next to me.
 Your jacket, your shirt, your skin, my shirt, my bra, my skin. We were 6 layers away from touching each others hearts,
but in that moment as bombs burst I felt your voice bury my heart deeper into my chest.
We were 4 layers away from our skin holding each other and I bet you didn't even think about that,
how in that moment if we wanted to be we could be entwined, not making love, just holding each other.
Just holding
                    e
                   
 a
                         c
            h
                   o
t
    h            
                          e
            r

as innocently as we could while destroying as little as possible

and then

I remembered how good of friends we are,
and how scared I am to loose that

I don't know why I'm still trying

and i'm sorry for that, but most of all i'm sorry i'm not the best scavenger

I'm willing to spend all my time gathering up the parts you left.

Wish me luck in finding them, because you've been broken in so many different places.

We ( i ) coexist

Fuck.

I was really hoping that this wasn't going to go where this is going
You're empty and i'm empty and we can fill each other up, I can grow you a forest and give you arms to write on.
I think what i'm trying to say is i'm lost, I haven't seen you in a while and I have nothing to write about

this scares me
                        I
                      don't
                      want
                      you
                      to
                      be
                                            that

important.
And I hate you for it, but when I say I hate you I don't, and that is what I hate the most
I'm fucked up, thank God I have my daughter or i'd be more insane.

I'm laying my skin out for you, I'm always layered
but i'm laying myself out for you.
I'm disappointed in myself, I'm normally so much stronger than this,
than all of you, and all of this
 I wish I was more comfortable in my own skin and that I was comfortable with the thought of letting you go.

When I decided that I had to write today I was really thinking it would be so much better,
this all sounds so much better in my head,
 for some reason, lately I just  haven't been able to use words correctly.

A dear friend of mine passed away this week, she was beautiful and made the room light up as soon as she walked into it
we have many people devastated that she is gone, I am so sad for her 2 daughters who she loved more than anything.
Sheila, I'm thinking about you. I wish we could have been closer but thank you for accepting me into your family and loving kara and I.
There is a light missing on this earth now that you are gone,
I guess heaven needed your sense of humor and I guess you were ready to make heaven a little brighter.
I love you