My chest feels heavy and I think i'm running out of oxygen. I'm writing this in my bathroom because it's the only place in my house I feel comfortable, it's 2:45 in the morning and I wanted to go to bed early tonight but I can't sleep (it's not your fault) It's because I drank a 24oz cookie monster from Beans and Brew and It had 4 shots of espresso. Irrelevant, I know. Tonight I just need my mind to wander because my chest has been heavy since 1:00 this morning.
I never meant to hurt you or make you cry or make you feel like a terrible person. I'm sorry that the only good poems i'm able to write are about you, it fucking pisses me off.
I'm terrified of loosing you.
I believe everything happens for a reason and I know your here for a reason.
I want you to know that I found myself because of you, I'm a better mom because of you and a better person. I'm not sure how you made me a better mother, I do know that i'm not dating anyone because of you and i'm so grateful for that. I need to find myself and I needed to focus on my daughter. I'm terrified of loosing you, and I hate how much I care about you.
I wish I could figure out what's wrong with her, I wish I could understand why she choose him instead of you, I wish you could be holding her and reading her stories.
I wish you didn't think that we shouldn't have done those things together, because as cliche as this sounds I know i'm in love with you and I hate the way my keyboard sounds when I am typing that.
I hate how it rolls off my tongue when I'm alone and I hate that my best friend has to hear about you all the time.
I apologize.
But i'm not really sorry because I don't think you realize your potential or how much people care about you, I do think she loved you, I just think she made the wrong decision.
She is beautiful and It hurts every time I scroll past one of her pictures but I love reading her blog because It reminds me that two young people can be happy.
I don't give up easy, if I believe in something it eats at me until I make it real.
A lot of the time I think it's more of a fault than something to be proud of and that's why I haven't given up on you or us or what ever we are.
I will always hope you got over her and every time we do something I know how you feel about her and I love hearing how you talk about her.
I am so sorry she wasn't the one who got to go camping with you or that she isn't getting milkshakes with you or how she didn't get to meet your dog.
I don't know why we fall in love and I wish I knew, I wish that I could tell you I wasn't sober right now but I am,
I'm just light headed and shaky, i'm so sorry that this is almost a reply to everything you just wrote and i'm hoping you wake up today and that you are alright.
I'm so sorry that this is full of so many apologizes, I never wanted that when I started this,
I'm not sure what I wanted. I just let my finger tips type the best they can and my mind wander till i'm not panicking anymore.
I never wanted to make you cry and it kills me that I have.
You're the reason I want to write and the reason I want to stop writing.
I don't want to loose you, I am so scared to loose you and I hate how that makes me feel.
I thought about deleting your number and unfriending you and just pushing you out of my life but I just couldn't do it.
It's 2:59am
my chest is still tight and I wish I could say I cried a lot more and I really wish I had a cigarette and I turn 19 next week and i'm worried.
And where ever I go or where ever I am, I just want you to know that I will always care about you and I will always be in love with you and I will always wish I carried your heart, I don't want you to be sad when you read this and I don't want you to regret anything we have done or that you have done because you are here and you are alive and you are the stars and the moon and the trees and the mountains and my favorite parts of my favorite things and I will always be obsessed with your hands.
I'm not ready to let you go and i'm not ready for this all to just fall apart because i'm happy. I'm happy knowing that we are friends. I love being able to talk to you and pet your dog and laugh with you.
I love that you're my friend and i'm not ready to loose you.
I'm so sorry if this upsets you, but things aren't supposed to fall apart yet.
Sometimes I wish I never read that poem in front of everyone and that you never sent me a message on Facebook or that I even friended you on Facebook. I wish that I didn't write any of this but I felt like I was going to suffocate and I really need you to know all this.
I'm worried you are going to see the picture and think I didn't mean every part I wrote, but I do, I mean everything I write and everything I have ever written,
but sometimes the things I mean most are the things I don't say when i'm with you and i'm so so sorry for that because sometimes words mean nothing and my silence means everything.
It's 3:56am and i havent stayed up this late since we went camping, and that was because of you.
I'm so worried you're going to read this and decide we can't be friends or that we shouldn't talk or go on walks for hours at 1:00 in the morning because sometimes those are the only things I look forward to when I'm not feeling OK or when I just need someone to talk to.
When you read this please don't be sad,
I'm sorry I try too hard and i'm sorry you can't go back in time.
Maybe one day we can build that time machine together,
but i'm not ready to loose you just yet.
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