.Ekki lengi

I wish i would have spent more than 5 hours under the ice with you, when I'm with you the glaciers feel so much warmer.

When you talked i swore i could see nothing but old photographs; it hurt me a bit to see you drowning in her hair. 

I know you didn't mean for that all to come flooding out but sometimes our drains don't do what they're supposed to, and honestly she does have a way of clogging your insides. 

You're flooding me. 
Thank god my mom put me in swimming lessons, and thank god my dad taught me how to hold my breath.

The 5 hours i spent with you under the ice were the best 5 hours of my life. I had never felt warmer, even though i knew you wished it could have been her, I was complete.

If it seems like I'm trying too hard, it's because i probably am. 

I am trying everything that i have left to just drop you and run.

But i can't because you're the streets i walk to get away, the sheets to my bed. 

You're left is the puzzle piece to my right. 

you're the only reason my heart races the way it does. 
Your heart screams louder than thunderclaps and it terrifies me. I have always been scared of storms and i have never seen one worse than the one you carry inside you. 
5 hours.
5 hours. 
5 hours of nothing but insecurity's and awkward conversation was enough to make me fall harder for you.
Music had never tasted so sweet.
The fact that everything that i feel is never enough for you pollutes my oceans and kills my forests, it skins my words and it wears down my favorite boots. 
There is a imprint of pigeons on the left side of my bed where you never lay. 
My sheets are made of feathers you never left. 
My heart is an aristocrat of compulsion that you can't help but fuel.

þú ert of falleg fyrir himins
og of ljótur fyrir helvítis

Bury me before you leave, i don't want to sail any longer. 
I don't want my heart racing with your thunderclaps and i don't want my body shaking with your trumpets.
Your body is a wrecking ball and i was just in the way. 

I will always love you,

Susan Atkins

I know you are tired of love poems too

Here i am again trying to convince you that i don't fall easy, that when i fall i don't "really" fall.
But I do, and i don't ever know how to get up and once I'm down they just keep kicking and screaming
"Was he worth it Susan? Was he worth the long fall?"
I'm afraid of heights so i would rather not fall again, thank you. Plus the soil isn't too bad and one day i will be under it, why not make friends with it now?
I don't know how to say everything i want to say anymore.
I can't say or write anything right, my lips don't know how to shape a smile, my hands don't know how to stop shaking, and my eyes just don't know how to look at him without loosing parts of my heart every time.
All i ever wanted was to feel weightless, i wanted to be a normal teenager who never had to run from things. And if i did it was just from the cops.

He has got me so tangled i don't know even know where to begin to unravel myself, I'm a teenager who has fallen and who can't get up to save her life,
I'm a girl who wakes up every morning having to convince myself to just walk through the door and who closes her eyes just to try on clothes or do her hair.
I'm a girl who can't move her fingers to write without having him on her mind.

"Is he worth it Susan? Is he worth the flooded insides, the foggy mind, the worthless love poems?"

No matter how many times he falls apart i will always rake up the pieces.
And no matter how much blood stains the rugs i will always replace them.
And no matter how much damage his monsters make i will always pick up the glass.
And no matter how many scars mark his chest, his thighs, or his heart, i will do everything i can to match them.

I wish i could express how tired i am of writing love poems.

So
     tired.

I know you have heard this all before, 

                                                              

Susan Atkins. 

I have this belief that all men and women should be able to love whomever they love.

Gay/lesbian/bi sexual, it's not a choose. 

You let me know when you can fool your heart into loving someone you don't.

They can come a thousand times

with their burning matches and their gasoline,

with their hungry laws

and their empty mouths full of prayers to that god

who greeted me at his gates with his throat full of trumpets

and his tears full of shame

as his trembling palms collected the cinders 

 of his children's crime.

-Andrea Gibson.

If this offends you, i'm so sorry. 

Your parents should have raised you better.

This is as simple as it gets

Would you like to know the exact way to take care of your heart?

Well if you said yes, you came to the right place.

I think it's about time people started taking care of each other’s hearts and their own.

Step one: Drop that cigarette, you are too pretty to burn and honestly your body doesn't need more fire dear.

Step two: Make sure you tie it to something stronger than kite string; you better damn well make sure it's tied to yarn made of the golden plates and nothing less.

I think our hearts are worth yarn made out of the golden Plates.

Step three: Never give all your heart.

If you already did, take that person to court; win custody.

Take this from someone who cares, someone who gave all their heart and lost the custody battle.

I have always been a test subject for love. 

Your heart is made up of every decision you make and will ever make; who ever said it's your brain never had a heart,

and

YOUR

heart is made up of a million rhymes and every romance language ever spoken.

It's made up of every moment we never spent together and every second we did.

It's made up of glaciers and insomnia.

This is for all the kids who were smart enough to seek an instruction manual on love.

This is for the hundreds that died from a broken heart; your ashes were beautiful as they flew through the air.

This is for the couple who can't love each other without fighting each other every night.

This is for the "I love you because the way you sin."

These steps should not be taken lightly.

One day when you get a chance to share your heart with someone you will thank me for these simple instructions.

Because I know that he doesn't want to die alone, I don't care how many times he tells me he likes being alone,

and I know he never wanted to lose his heart and I’m so sorry I didn't get to these instructions sooner lover.

Please forgive me.

I wish I could have saved you before you drowned in her sheets.

I wish I could have saved you before you sailed away in her ocean eyes.

I wish I could have saved you.

Bleeding for you always,

                   Susan Atkins 

I'm not as strange as this sounds.

It's not that i like the silence, it's just that i don't know how to speak without disappointing; I'm never able to say what i want to say without sounding like a complete freak and no matter what i say it wont satisfy you anyway. 
I don't want to say that you have a hold on me but ya do. 
It's not that i don't like people, oh wait. I don't. 
Let me phrase that better, let me try to not be as socially awkward for you. 
Trust me, i have days where i wish i could leave the class room of the Creative Writing teacher during lunch with out giving 100% of my attention to NOT having a panic attack. 
I wish i could go out and mingle like all the other (in my opinion) "socially awkward kids", how do they do it? That is what i call being socially weird. . .mingling. . .
STANDING IN THE HALL AND TALKING. 
I have places to be, people to avoid, music to listen to, books to read. Thanks for the mingle offer though imaginary friend. 
I would like to dedicate this to Mr.  Nelson for putting up with my awkward conversations; I'm sorry, i just get lonely some days and i just want to talk about ANYTHING. 
I would like to dedicate this to the other "socially strange" girl (Note how i said "Socially STRANGE", I used strange because it's not that she can't talk to other people it just that other people can't handle her coolness)
who sits with me in the Creative Writing teachers classroom offering me food and strange conversation.
Thank you. Without your food i would probably be starving during 4th period and without your conversation (this applies to you too Mr. Nelson) I would probably be talking to myself, well more than i already do. 
I do have days where i wake up and wish that i had all these awesome, indie, super cool, super hip friends, but most days I'm happy with what i have. 
I wish that we didn't have this devastatingly short awkward conversation that went like this:
"Oh! In November i get to go to a mortuary to do a shadowing opportunity, I'm excited."
"Ew."
I forget that people don't say that, plus you didn't let me finish my sentence
So I'm gonna finish what i was gonna say. 
"Oh! In November i get to go to a mortuary to do a shadowing opportunity, I'm excited. I want to get the bodies ready for their big day, that's what i want to do with my cosmetology licence."
Oh. . .wow. I guess that doesn't sound any better. At least i tried, right?
I wouldn't have to have a conversation with the dead and if i did they wouldn't say anything back and that way i can sing whatever song i have stuck in my head that day, they can't do anything about it. Really. 
I wish i can be human comfortably so i can make friends comfortably. 
I fight my reflection every morning when i look in the mirror, which is ridiculous because i cant "really" fight myself without winning and loosing every time. 
People are always telling me "You have really good eyebrows." 
My eyebrows are so crooked i want to just wax them all off. 
People are always saying "Your eyes are so pretty! Are those your real lashes?!"
My eyes are so big i feel like a creeper, im sure when i look at you you'd think i was totally creepin', i ain't though. I only creep on very few, and trust me you didn't make that list. Sorry. 
I feel like as i go on this blog post is just turning into another socially awkward thing, so like i said in the beginning
It's not that i like the silence, i just can't say anything without sounding like weirdo; let alone write it.

This is to you weird kids. 

With all the emptiness in my chest,

                                                                                                    Susan Atkins.


P.s I'm not OCD, the fact that my pictures wont all center is just killing me.

Here am I

I am an empty vassal floating on everyone elses cloud nine, beyond those clouds are thunderstorms. They just don't know it yet.
And I have told you several times before, so please don't make me point to my chest again and yell "NO ONE LIVES HERE ANYMORE. Sorry to disappoint."
I can't remember the last time i laughed so i hit my funny bone against the corner of my desk this morning just to make sure i still had a funny bone somewhere in my body. I don't, it didn't make me laugh it just freaking hurt.
I miss childhood a lot sometimes, even though i hardly remember any of it.
I wonder if that's why i miss it so much, know one had to rely on me, i was young and carefree.
Im done pulling feathers outta my mouth in order for you to feel weightless.
Im not your savior and trust me im far from holy.
Plus dear these ravens only have a limited amount of feathers in the first place and now they're bleeding.
That's just it, they are just bleeding inside me leaving my boots heavier than then were before.
Im trying to make myself like people more and animals less but you can't tell a christian God doesn't exist.
And you sure as hell cant make me pray to an invisible force.
So please world consume me, pluck me from every colorful feather i have left
because i was born naked anyways
SO BRING IT ON APOCALYPSE.
i may be empty but im stronger than i look.
I fell a long time ago and dear i keep getting up.
I have been chased by monsters the day i left the womb,
but you can't take my poetry when i have it burned to every inch of my body.
They can't kill me without killing themselves.
So please don't make me listen to your apology one more time,
You know less about love than i do.
The more you speak the more worthless words become.
So please don't tell me how you love me because sleeping with her was a terrible way of showing it.
I don't deserve to be treated like that.
We shared everything together and i realize we shared more bad than good, but it was all i had.
I am so close to having the whole world in my hands, i got it all besides the most beautiful parts.
So uh,*coughs, clears throat* Shit um, Hughston, i know you have heard it before but please just love me back.
Because i was wasting these feathers on the wrong guy.
And god knows she was wasting you on the wrong guys.
So here i am world, break me down.
Tell me I can't do it.
Bring it on monsters!
Tell me how im not pretty every time i look in the mirror, because I'm done being sad.
I got more potential than you think.
We except the love we believe we deserve and I'm not saying i deserve the best love but you know what world im better than what he showed me.
I am infinite.
So Im cutting open  my chest and im letting these ravens free, im done falling because i already picked myself up and i hung myself by the stars so i will never fall again and i did it all for him a long time ago, Im taking off these boots and im walking across the ice and if i fall through you know where you can find me.
The Apocalypse has nothing on the scars i carry.
and yeah, I am jealous of the world most of the time.
How to world can grow something beautiful out of something so ugly, I mean are you kidding me we have forests from decaying bodies and fecal matter.
We have lakes that come from know where and hide so many ugly things
That's what i have been trying to do for years.
But now im letting the ugly out and im letting it fill the entire city because i have been carrying way to much ugly on my shoulders, it's about time i share it with something with too much beauty.
I'm here world.
Can't you see me now?
I was nothing but a wallflower but now im fighting off these monsters until they realize i can create as much as they can destroy.
I'm here world.
Drag me to hell, but just know that i have already been to hell many time and i drag myself out every time and i always take a piece of something better, something more beautiful than what i had before.
So come at me world.
Push me through the fire, drag me through the streets, stone me words, skin whats left of me,
because i will always get back up and i will always get back up with me middles fingers in the air yelling
"Is that the best you got? Because it's gonna take a lot more to destroy an ocean. And my body is an ocean.
 So bring it on."

Abandoned

You are a endless infinity of fallen leaves. If i would pick up every leave ever fallen, it would equal your beauty. 
You are a dictionary in hieroglyphs, i have know idea what you mean but i know you have so much important meaning. 
You are the simplest of destruction and the most complex of construction.
I want to hold you till the stars fall and the sun burst and the bridges flood and the trees burn and the cities are abandoned.
I want to run with you in the empty streets yelling
 "Hallelujah, we are alive! We are alive and full of meaning, we are the fallen leaves and the fallen stars and the bursting sun, the flooded bridges, the ashes of trees, we are the cities abandoned." 

But in the end, your heart was always an abandoned city.

Dear _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
I'm to the point where my whole body is running on empty. 
I'm hoping that i can at least make it to you, if I don't my body can be found in this lake. 

With all the love left in me,

_ _ _ _ _

You are the most beautiful destruction I have ever seen I think i will let you keep me, even if you don't want to.

Im burying myself in your garden, i don't care what you say.

Im drowning myself in your bathtub, i don't care how much you yell.

Im breathing in your sadness, i don't care how much you push me away.

I don't want love.

I want destruction.

Because let's be honest with ourselves, that's the only love were capable of.

I want you to tear me up.

I want you to cut open my veins and plant all your words; all your poems inside them.

Break me with your art.

Lay me in your bed and cut me with your bones.

Gag me with your heart.

Tell me how much you love hating me.

And I'll tell you how much i hate loving you.

Because every time i hear you breathing my body shakes.

Because every time i hear you scream i get light headed.

I want you to hate loving me.

Darling, can't you see what your doing?

Can't you see that im staining your carpets red?

Can't you see that im flooding your bathroom and im tangling myself in your sheets and after all that, im burying myself in your garden and im taking your damned letters with me.

So when you go out to pick your tomatoes or water your beets you'll think of me.

You'll think of how much you loved hating me and how much i hated loving you.

You'll remember that you're the reason for all the words i ever wrote in the first place.

You’ll remember me when you see the gashes torn in your bed sheets, when you see the fragments of broken vinyl and torn book pages on your floor.

Darling there is nothing more scaring then destruction

So even when im gone, i will always be there.

I left my scar all over your heart and body.

You will never find love more memorable then what we had.

I will never find anyone more memorable then you.

And I have memorized every inch of you.

Ive memorized the way you speak and how every word you sing makes me weak.

How when you look at me you don’t “really” look at me.

How the bigger you smile the more the sadness spills between the cracks.

And The way you walk with one hand in your pocket and the other rapped around your poetry like it were the golden plates of heaven.

I have memorized the shape of your lips and those lips have traced crooked lines in my head,

and dear I mean crooked crooked lines.

And how your hands have left mine dirty with black ink, but yet somehow i can still see through it.

I guess i really always knew it wouldn't work out the way I wanted it too.

I can see it now, You and your 3 dogs living off the garden I fertilized so well for you.

And your letters blossoming into beautiful weeds that you never let fill your garden.

Your too scared to let the thought of us cross your mind.

But dear no matter how hard you try i'll always be there with that scar across your heart.

Im tangling myself in your sheets because if i dont whose gonna match the rhythm of your breath and keep you warm at the same time?

“I love you.

I love you with all of my everything.”

That’s why im drowning myself in your bathtub because i don't want you to hear me say it, i want you to see it. Words mean nothing dear and you said it yourself.

Im breathing in your sadness because if i dont whose gonna breath it all in without coughing? My lungs were made for sadness.

I know you don’t see it dear.

But opposites attract.

You breath out and im gonna breath all of you in.

I will try to match your rhythm any day.

I know you don’t like being touched and im okay with that, we can make love through words.

You own me, even if you don’t want me.

I buried myself in your garden because you were the end of me but i didn't want me to be the end of you.

Im still here, scared across your heart.

Im still here, growin’ your garden.

We were a forest fire, now we are nothing but ash.

But lover I guess everything is supposed to die at some point.

I'll drown my heart till it stops yelling your name.

I'll drown my mind till it stops remembering what you look like.

I'll drown my self till i stop wanting you.

I'll drown.

My goodbye letter

The stars never shown for you.

The seas never crashed for you.
My bones never sang for you.
The leaves never fell for you.
I never fell for you.
I have been lying to you.

Not even one star deserves to shine for you.

The seas never deserved to move an inch for you.

My bones never deserved to think about you in the first place.

These trees never deserved to grow for you.

I never deserved to fall for you.

What ever they compare you to, your better.

They have all been lying to you.

So this seed that I've planted inside my head needs to be weeded, I never deserved to try for you nor write these words for you.

I don't deserve to love you the way i do.

Your so beautiful. No.

That word is filthy compared to you, every word I've written is filthy compared to you, and your not even close to perfect.

You think about sex, you think about death, you thought about me, once.

When I say 'No one will ever love you the way i do' I'm selfish. How could they not.

They say they wanna be me.

They don't know I love someone who is worth more then every love letter ever burned, every damn ever built, every bible ever written.

Your worth more then anyone can ever think of.

I don't deserve to write this about you.

But all i can do is write these God damn love letters about you when i never deserved to look at you in the first place.

That's why I killed you.

That's why i drug your body to my car and drove 3,120.9 miles to Alaska.

I picked Alaska because that's where you have always wanted to go.

And when i got there I dug the deepest grave my mind and body could ever dig.

I buried you with all the letters you ever wrote and with every thought i ever had.

But before i buried you i cut out your heart and i keep it in a old wooden box in the corner of my closet.

I took your heart because i couldn't let you keep the one thing i always wanted from you.

That makes me the most selfish person in the whole world, because i never deserved any of you.

But don't worry I'm bleeding myself dry from every thought of you.

And once i do I'll cut out my heart just to make sure it wont fuck up again, and I'll put it with yours in that old wooden box.

I'll let that box collect dust until I'm selfless enough to dig up your body and return your heart without thinking twice.
But until then. . .I'm sorry.

I want to run away

I have been stuck. I need a change in my life, I'm wasting away.

I can't write.

I can't smile.

I can't cry.

I can't tell the truth.

I need something new. I try to write it turns into words.

Just words.

I want to run away and live in the forest. I want to live off the earth, i don't have to shower, i don't have to look back.

I need to find myself.

I want to sing till my lungs collapse and i want to write till my hands shrivel and my pen runs dry.

I want to sing to trees and read to flowers.

I want to smoke my American Spirits till my body fills with smoke.

I want to run away and take you with me.

Can we please just go?

I need to get away.

I wanna hold your hand and run forever.

The mountains will sing as we play with fire.

I'll smile as you read me stories of monsters.

Lets leave this hell and never look back.

We can destroy the world together, i promise.

I met a friend.

A friend who inspires me.

A friend who is helping me find myself.

A friend who knows what it means to be human. . Even if he thinks he doesn't.

He is more human then most humans i have met.

He cares.

He sees what nobody else cares to see.

He sees what the world is blind to.

He sees beauty.

He sees honesty.

HE IS AN AMAZING POET

When the people ask

"You know who ____ is?"

The world will reply

"The writer?"

Doomsday

There is something new burning inside me lately.

These letters.

These words.

These songs.

Him.

Here comes doomsday.

Dear ________ we got a problem, you wont stay out of my head

So here's the thing. . .
I'm unsure where this feeling came from. I woke up one day just needing you, no. I guess it was always building from the moment i saw you. . . why? I don't know.
I feel sick for liking you.
Cross that.
I feel sick for loving you.
I know that you don't believe in love and hell i don't either.
I tell myself every day to just let you go, i mean i never had you in the first place
but see, there's this thing my mind does he just keeps bringing up your name, i guess he likes bullying my heart.
I know deep down inside that this isn't right. I know i shouldn't feel this way about someone, but i have never wanted someone so bad that it nearly kills me.
and i know you'll never feel the same and i tell myself that every day.
It's almost better. I'm almost over you.
That was a joke.
I'm not.
When the sun goes down and the stars come out i name everyone after you, you make the night more beautiful.
Every bone, organ, cartilage, blood vessel, every cell, every inch of my body is named after you, you keep me functioning.
I don't know if you knew but there was this hole in my chest where my heart should be, it was empty until i heard you sing; not literally of course but when you talk it's the most beautiful song in the world.
I want my heart spilled in your bed sheets and i want this mangled body buried in your back yard.
I want you to cut me up and feed me to each starving part of you.
Cut out this heart fill your black hole.
I will replace my heart with dimond because darling i wont find another dimond like you so this dimond will stay in my chest forever, untouched and im okay with that, as long as i know its you whose carrying my heart.

whats it mean to be worthy?

I'm broken. My heart is empty, it's pumping worthless words through my body
but darling i cant survive off words.
I'm lost trying to figure out if i should let go of you or the world.
Doesn't seem like a fair trade does it? knowing you two are nearly the same.
The world around me is dying.
The birds are crying not singing, the flowers are dying instead of blooming.
I look outside everything seems ugly.
The mountains are frowning, the sun is working harder just to burn us all.
These pages, darling they are filled with blood.
I have never hated but loved someone so much at the same time.
Why are you doing this?
There are ashes bursting from my mouth when i speak. These words? They're already dead.
These ashes fill my lungs, i pray for them to fill faster because i cant take another day knowing you don't need me the same.

Take me under. I wanna drown in you.

I want you to drown me in every word you speak, in every song you sing.

Drown me till i can only breath in your empty spaces.

I want butterflies in my stomach but instead i get demons and these demons, They ask me over and over again
"Why do you "love" someone so broken? Why do you "love" him when you always said you would never "love" someone this way?"
I reply
"He's like all of you except hes so beautiful that you can hardly speak, hes so beautiful that you can hardly think, and that's just with one look. He's so beautiful that the gods bow for him, the sun rises for him, the stars shine just for him. He is the most beautiful broken human i will ever love. . .and I'm not even close to worthy."