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Our mouths don't belong with each other, the way they entwine and part to fit like an artist with a blank canvas.
My lips don't belong on your lips like jumper cables.
Our lips don't go together,  they never did, never will

never can.

SeptEMBER

Unfortunately, my hands smell like cigarettes
And my bodies cold
And you're at home
And my eyes are tired
And my body is slowly m
                                             E
                                                L
                                                    t
                                   ing
Deeper and deeper and deeper into my sheets, I can nearly feel my floor boards cracking as I keep replaying our nights together and how I really wanted my body to be filling with cancer so it wasn't just stealing you away and I can feel your head on my shoulder and how your socks felt on my feet.
My sheets won't stop whispering and my floor won't stop creeking and I'm glad I'm cold because it reminds me of our nights together and how they don't mean as much to you as they do to me,
and every night it's never enough, it's never enough time, you get tired and I pretend i'm tired too and you take me home and i'm numb all over again and I don't want to go to sleep because I don't know if my mind can handle the way your hands feel or the way your voice sounds when you say
"I adore you"
You pretend too much and you tell too many jokes and I can't help but fall in love with you over and over
and over
and over
a n d
o v e r   a g a i n

Fall is here, I know this because i have fallen and I can't get back up, and I don't know if I want to

I have been trying to figure myself out, trying to find myself and with this poem I said I wasn't going to write about you. This is about me.
I'm a teenage mother who would give up anything in the world if it meant making her daughter smile, I try everyday to make people happy and I try to put others in front of myself but sometimes that gets hard when I don't even really let anybody in.
I went out with someone tonight and talking to him made me realize how much I'm letting R fuck with my head (I really just need to know), 
this kid told me everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, it made me feel good that people are always comfortable enough to tell me things. 
I like that people know I'm not quick to judge, I may not have gone through a lot but I know how the world works and what gives me the right to judge people who see the world differently or who have experienced it differently. 
I like that I come off as an open person, and I pride myself in being open minded.
I have a lot of insecurities, I hate my teeth and I hate my smile. I hate how my ass looks and I hate that my eyebrows never look right, I hate how massive my forehead is, and I wish I was funnier. I wish that I was more comfortable with going out and doing things with people, I wish I was more comfortable in groups and it would be nice to be able to talk to some people who I actually want to talk to.
I have my days where I won't even want to write a sentence because I have read something someone else has written and I just want to give up, and recently I have given up and I'm not proud of myself for that because I don't give up easily and that's one of my good qualities but also one of my burdens. 
I have never taken no for an answer and if I have I never let it go; I'm working on this. 
I'm trying to be as honest as possible with this because I thought that maybe if I write it all down I can figure myself out a bit better, I know that this isn't my best work and I know this isn't even close to as good as somethings other people have written. I just don't want to give up, I want to keep proving to myself that I can tough this world out and not just for my daughter, I want to tough it out for myself too. 
Who am I?
I'm Susan, teenage mother, animal lover, vegetarian (Except I eat fish) but I don't eat dairy, I find beauty in the simple things but I can also find the flaws in the littlest things, I'm obsessed with damaged goods and I love things that have stories behind them, I have been in love with everything vampire since Elementary school and I always thought God messed up when he created me human, I'm also not sure If I believe in God but I know I believe in good and evil, I don't have a favorite color but I do fancy forest green, I love sushi and I hate wasabi, I drink more tea and coffee than I do water, I LOVE to dance, I change my hair a lot so I don't get bored with myself, I sleep with 4 pillows and I can't sleep without them, I think freckles are beautiful and I'm obsessed with hands and collar bones, I think serial killers are fascinating and I could tell you nearly everything about Charles Manson, and I always end up falling in love with people who are broken and I worry it's because I want to feel needed, I'm always attracted to the sociopaths in movies (my parents can never understand why and I wish I could tell them), and I am really bad at keeping in touch with people, and I can never figure out what I want to do with my life.
I'm not perfect and I'm not the best human and I'm definitely not the best at being human, but I'm here and I'm learning how to survive.
I worry that I won't give up on you R and I think that worries you too. 
I hope my daughter grows up being proud of her mom and I hope she doesn't hate me for never trying to fix things with her dad, I hope that she can see that beyond all the ugly the world is beautiful and that it is worth trying.
I'm really just simple and I'm not as scary as I look, I promise. 
I hope you understand that there is beauty in all of you; unless of course you are child predators, animal abusers, or you think you have the right to take away other peoples rights, other than that I want you to all know that you are beautiful and there is a reason we are all different. 
How boring would the world be if we were all the same, that is when there would be no point in living. I think i'm starting to realize the world can be a beautiful place, we have to make it beautiful for ourselves. 
I don't know how to end this stupid thing, except,
R, if you read this, what's next?.

For all the people who actually give a shit, 

thank you.

Susan Atkins 

Here are a few things I can so easily find beauty in, and I hope you can too.

You can't just come into my life and then walk right out like we never had anything

Your phone is broken and i'm panicking,
I also ate some pizza today. This all makes me feel so weak.
Like how hard is it to resist dairy and how hard is it to just fucking leave you alone for a whole day.

Today I feel small and empty, I'm tired but I can't sleep.
My eyes hurt and I haven't even seen you since Friday, or maybe Saturday.
I quite smoking and all I have wanted to do is smoke since my best friend left to China.
This whole love triangle thing is making my stomach hurt,
You love her. She doesn't love you. I love you. You don't love me.
And I wish she would have never moved back
and I hope you don't ever have to run into her because she doesn't deserve to see you.

All I want is for you to give me my heart back, I don't want you to have it anymore.
I can't tell if i'm wasting my time and I don't know if i'm just digging my grave farther and farther into your chest every time I talk to you.
All I want to do is go to the park where you laid on me, roll up in the biggest flannel shirt, and sleep.
And i'll hope the stars aren't out because it's just another reminder of you.
I know, I know,
this is really getting old, all of this is getting really fucking old
my poetry
my job
your job
the stars
the day
How I feel about you.
All of it. It's all just old news that I want to just sweep under the carpet of some abandoned house that no one goes into, because I don't want the burden to be discovered by someone who was just trying to get away from all the shit in their life.

When she grows up i'll make sure she knows about you, and that if she doesn't feel the way about a guy, like I feel about you, that they aren't worth her time.
And maybe I will be with someone else, I just worry I won't ever love them as much as I loved you.
I don't think i'll ever get over you and it sucks.
It really sucks.

___ __ __,

Susan Atkins

I-I-- won't ever stop craving your hands

ever
       ever
               e
v
      e
             r

My imagination won't stopstopstop and my hands keep runningrunningrunning, through your hair

Tonight has just been one of those nights, nothing is going how I planned. I keep forgetting that when I actually plan things they never go how I want and people never stay, not only 
that but I have this pair of underwear and It's my absolute favorite pair but every time I wear them nothing goes right, 
and this right here is when I compare you to my favorite pair of undies, 
You're my favorite accessory and your skin is my favorite color; like how my undies are my favorite color.
With you most things we do go right, I normally plan what i'll say to you or where I'll touch you; that is if  that night I even gain the courage to feel your warmth on mine. 
You're confusing me, I'm not sure exactly what you want and I think i'm okay with that because i'v always liked being lost more than I have being found because things are just so much easier, you don't have to explain things to people or justify why your feeling what you're feeling. 
My dear, it's been over a year and i'm still tangled in you, I'm still lost in your emptiness and i'm still chasing your monsters. 
I'm not going to apologize because I shouldn't have to apologize for feeling because I don't feel much at all. 
In fact, i'm not going to try anymore, i'm also not going to give up. I'm just going to let things be.
I'm just going to let this be
 Y O U && M E
Because if you really look at all of this, that's all it is when we're together, we are two people full of so many vices who keep filling each other up with more human flaws and more stories to tell and more feelings to share to each other, if it's ever JUST you and I, 
and if one day it's not just you and I, you will be able to tell her about me and i'll be able to tell him about you,

and we'll laugh because we were young and restless and we thought we knew we were in love. 
I know you think you love her
and I know I think I love you, 
but I know that we are also lost, and how can we piece us with someone else when we can't even piece ourselves together correctly. 
But here I am still trying to piece myself with you and you're still trying to piece yourself with what's left of her and this worries me. 
This whole world worries me. 
And one day my daughter is going to grow up and the world will worry her and I hope she doesn't fall for someone like you or someone like me, because that is when I'll be worried the most. 

We are more than just teenagers, we are misfits with greater purpose

He loves being fucked up more than he loves being in love,
And I love being fucked up on love more than I love being just, fucked up.

F U C K Y O U
                            substance.