There is a part of me that is hoping I don't wake up tonight, but there is also a part of me that hopes I do and that's only because of her.
She saves my life everyday.

Most of the time I just really wish I could keep my mouth from bleeding the truth, it gets me in too many awkward situations or just breaks too many hearts.

I had a lot more to say than my chest thought I did

My chest feels heavy and I think i'm running out of oxygen. I'm writing this in my bathroom because it's the only place in my house I feel comfortable, it's 2:45 in the morning and I wanted to go to bed early tonight but I can't sleep (it's not your fault) It's because I drank a 24oz cookie monster from Beans and Brew and It had 4 shots of espresso. Irrelevant, I know. Tonight I just need my mind to wander because my chest has been heavy since 1:00 this morning.
I never meant to hurt you or make you cry or make you feel like a terrible person. I'm sorry that the only good poems i'm able to write are about you, it fucking pisses me off.
I'm terrified of loosing you.
 I believe everything happens for a reason and I know your here for a reason.
I want you to know that I found myself because of you, I'm a better mom because of you and a better person. I'm not sure how you made me a better mother, I do know that i'm not dating anyone because of you and i'm so grateful for that. I need to find myself and I needed to focus on my daughter. I'm terrified of loosing you, and I hate how much I care about you.
 I wish I could figure out what's wrong with her, I wish I could understand why she choose him instead of you, I wish you could be holding her and reading her stories.
I wish you didn't think that we shouldn't have done those things together, because as cliche as this sounds I know i'm in love with you and I hate the way my keyboard sounds when I am typing that.
I hate how it rolls off my tongue when I'm alone and I hate that my best friend has to hear about you all the time.
I apologize.
But i'm not really sorry because I don't think you realize your potential or how much people care about you, I do think she loved you, I just think she made the wrong decision.
She is beautiful and It hurts every time I scroll past one of her pictures but I love reading her blog because It reminds me that two young people can be happy.
I don't give up easy, if I believe in something it eats at me until I make it real.
A lot of the time I think it's more of a fault than something to be proud of and that's why I haven't given up on you or us or what ever we are.
I will always hope you got over her and every time we do something I know how you feel about her and I love hearing how you talk about her.
I am so sorry she wasn't the one who got to go camping with you or that she isn't getting milkshakes with you or how she didn't get to meet your dog.
I don't know why we fall in love and I wish I knew, I wish that I could tell you I wasn't sober right now but I am,
I'm just light headed and shaky, i'm so sorry that this is almost a reply to everything you just wrote and i'm hoping you wake up today and that you are alright.
I'm so sorry that this is full of so many apologizes, I never wanted that when I started this,
I'm not sure what I wanted. I just let my finger tips type the best they can and my mind wander till i'm not panicking anymore.
I never wanted to make you cry and it kills me that I have.
You're the reason I want to write and the reason I want to stop writing.
I don't want to loose you, I am so scared to loose you and I hate how that makes me feel.
I thought about deleting your number and unfriending you and just pushing you out of my life but I just couldn't do it.
It's 2:59am
my chest is still tight and I wish I could say I cried a lot more and I really wish I had a cigarette and I turn 19 next week and i'm worried.
And where ever I go or where ever I am, I just want you to know that I will always care about you and I will always be in love with you and I will always wish I carried your heart, I don't want you to be sad when you read this and I don't want you to regret anything we have done or that you have done because you are here and you are alive and you are the stars and the moon and the trees and the mountains and my favorite parts of my favorite things and I will always be obsessed with your hands.
I'm not ready to let you go and i'm not ready for this all to just fall apart because i'm happy. I'm happy knowing that we are friends. I love being able to talk to you and pet your dog and laugh with you.
I love that you're my friend and i'm not ready to loose you.
I'm so sorry if this upsets you, but things aren't supposed to fall apart yet.
Sometimes I wish I never read that poem in front of everyone and that you never sent me a message on Facebook or that I even friended you on Facebook. I wish that I didn't write any of this but I felt like I was going to suffocate and I really need you to know all this.
I'm worried you are going to see the picture and think I didn't mean every part I wrote, but I do, I mean everything I write and everything I have ever written,
but sometimes the things I mean most are the things I don't say when i'm with you and i'm so so sorry for that because sometimes words mean nothing and my silence means everything.
It's 3:56am and i havent stayed up this late since we went camping, and that was because of you.
I'm so worried you're going to read this and decide we can't be friends or that we shouldn't talk or go on walks for hours at 1:00 in the morning because sometimes those are the only things I look forward to when I'm not feeling OK or when I just need someone to talk to.
When you read this please don't be sad,
I'm sorry I try too hard and i'm sorry you can't go back in time.

Maybe one day we can build that time machine together, 

but i'm not ready to loose you just yet. 

I get it,

all I'm good for is writing love poems

But all you're good for is being in them

Hughston,

When you read to me all I could picture was the forest around us in flame, the only reason we didn't burn too was because your words made an ocean, it was just us and your dog floating, nearly touching the stars.
The words bled from your mouth like you were an artist, It was then that I realized how lucky I was to spend time with you in a forest where we felt so small and a little less human

Thank you.

Well, I have nothing better to say

Taktu hár mitt í hendur og draga mig að vatninu, hvísla hversu miður þú ert í eyra mitt, kyssa enni mínu. lá með mér í AF gljúfrið og horfa á stjörnur falla fyrir einhvern annan. Við óskum stjörnur sýnd bara fyrir okkur, viljum þetta vatnið var bara fyrir okkur. Þú vildi að ég væri henni, ég vildi að ég væri henni. Kyssa hálsinn minn með höndunum, binda múrsteinn til líkama minn, láta mig fljóta til botns og þegar þú ferð að veiða hér þú munt hafa áhyggjur ef það er ég lent á línu, aftur.

It's probably too late to tell you this, but i'm sorry.

I'm sorry that we didn't work

I'm sorry you aren't happy

I'm sorry she was easy

I'm sorry I yelled a lot

I'm sorry I pushed you

I'm sorry I don't believe in much

I'm sorry I can't get over him

I'm sorry I never look up for answers

I'm sorry this is passionless 

I'm sorry I love being lost

I'm sorry you lied a lot

I'm sorry you thought I loved you for longer than I did

Ah well,

I'm not sure where i'm going with this, welcome to my train of thought

2 sugars in my coffee is fine, thank you.

I would normally say:

Dude, give me A LOT of 
                                        Sugar

But this morning i'm not feeling so sweet, I don't deserve a lot of sugar.
I'm feelin' bitter and my coffee is black like my toes after that one poetry video,
you know the one with the snow. 

Batman never fails to hold my coffee so well, except this morning the fact that i'm drinking out of my Batman mug is only

P
I
S
S
I
N
G 

me off.

 I don't deserve to drink out of a hero mug

ESPECIALLY not one with my favorite superhero on it. 

My daughter is outside on the back porch eating coca puffs, It doesn't get any more poetic than a pure 2 year old child eating breakfast on a porch full of so many ghosts.

My daughter came into the house casually saying "There is a spider on me." I look at her arm and I see this huge nasty white spider. 

Parenthood is pretending you're tough.

In my head I said: 

SHIT, what do I do? Oh my God. Oh my God. 

What I really said:

MOM, THERE IS A SPIDER ON KARA! Oh God, what do I do?

Being a parent is pretending you're tough.

Excuse me, but I just realized something. I don't deserve you this morning, or yesterday morning, or tomorrow morning, or any morning. I guess that's why I only get you at night

Love always,

Susan Atkins

My cat is on the kitchen table and I'm too much of a rebel to tell him to get down

This is me right now:

Do I want to write? 
Eh, I don't know,
I think I feel like writing.
No. I don't. 


When the day comes that I look you in the eyes and all I can see are two bodies as one, drowning in red bed sheets
I promise you right now 
I won't let that happen. I care too much. 
All I really need is for you to hold me.
I have seen bedroom eyes, I don't like how they make me feel.

I don't really feel like writing. 

2 years old

Tonight I feel like writing, and it's not because of you or because someone died.
It's not because he cheated on me or because I love you.
I think i'm slowly devouring myself, it worries me. I don't think that gravity can hold me down any longer and i'm not really sure God has hope in me any more.
I'm not saying i'm going to give up any time soon, I have one very important reason and she's the reason I keep on going.
She's the reason I wake up in the morning
She's the reason I work
The reason I graduated High School
The reason I quit smoking
The reason I'm not a total wreck
The reason I haven't ran away
and the reason i'm still mostly sane
She's the reason i'm still alive and not floating off in some river in American Fork canyon.
My daughter is the reason life is so much more important to me.
The way she smiles can make the day so much brighter and when she laughs she makes the world have more important meaning.
She is only 2 and her jokes are funnier than zach galifianakis and to be honest she is really only a little less vulgar.
She is a crazy 2 year old whose eyes hold the universe and her hands create so much beauty.
Her voice makes the world quake; no really, she screams really really loud.
Her little butt cheeks make my heart melt (only mothers understand this).
She can't get enough of animals and they can't get enough of her, even when she is running after them growling.
I don't think I have ever seen so much purity in my entire life and it shocks me because she was created by two messed up teenagers.
I always told myself that I never wanted kids and I have never been more thankful for someone in my entire 18 years of life.
My hero is Kara, a crazy 2 year old girl who doesn't even know the meaning of the word.
Everyday she makes my day a little bit brighter.

Ekki fara frá mig

Last night when we were talking about the weather I saw us sitting together on our front porch looking up at the stars,
                     SILENT


 you were wishing that we weren't as close and I was wishing we were closer.
We rocked back and forth till we swore we were rocket-ships heading right towards the moon.

75 years old and I wish I loved you less.
Our porch creaked reminding me of the time you held me after I had too much to drink and how you kissed me even though I kept hitting you.

Last night when you told me that your favorite temperature was sweater weather all I could think about was keeping you warm with my body and how that was the only reason my favorite temperature was 50 degrees.
Rocking back and forth with you on that rocking chair was as close as we could get to being similar and in-sync, your flannel, 2 buttons missing exposing your chest where your heart once beat at irregular pace, and your hands tracing stories across my legs

I'm obsessed with your hands
and how they hold
way
too
many
secrets.

78 years old and all I can hear is one rocking chair trying to rock me away from the stars because they remind me of how we used to walk your dog and tell jokes,
or how bad it felt to be in love with you, and how good it felt when you finally loved me back.
This cabin is now only full of memories, like the time you spilled tea on the story you finally finished writing and how the words bleed off the page like the time we held each other in the bathtub and just let the water fill the whole house. Memories like the time we got so high we forgot other people existed; I threw your favorite vinyls and you still wanted me to hold you. Memories like when you told me you never loved me as much as you loved her, but the way you made love to me that night was like you had never loved anyone so much.

I'm obsessed with your hands, how the lines never end and how they are so rough but some how so soft and how they move through your hair and write your poems.
I'm obsessed with your hands.

Last night when we talked about the weather I wanted nothing more than me laying in your arms, with your hands open, palms to the sky catching moon rocks just for me.

We were very in love,

Susan Atkins

Just friends

I woke up this morning and it hit me,
I'm not quite sure why I spend time with you and I'm not sure why you spend time with me either.
I was raised better than this, my parents taught me that life isn't fair but to be thankful for what I have.
When i'm at my lowest the sound of your voice makes me feel high, I swear I can see stars when you talk, and when you look at me I see explosions in the sky.
I know you won't ever love me like you loved her or like you love her, I wish I could say that i'm ok with that but i'm not, i'm just dealing with it.
I don't want to loose you and I don't want to loose whatever we have.
You keep my head on straight.
I'm so glad I have you in my life, even though every time the hours we spend together end, I feel heartbroken.
My stomach twists when i'm with you and my throat hurts when you tell me stolen jokes.
But your smile lights the sky and your hands bring me to life; I wish I could hold them so I didn't feel so zombie.
Every time I hangout with you we create memories I won't ever get away from,

                                                Lakes
                         
                                                                          AF Canyon
                         
                                                                                                                Polaroids
                             Slurpees

Donuts    
                                                        Super-moon

                                                                                                                        Rape-jokes

                       Stars                                                            
                                                                                              Music
                                                                                                                                        Provo
                                                       Sprinklers
Dancing


                                                                                                        Milk Shakes
           Walmart
                                                   Fires
                                                                         
           
                                                                                                                   Joshua James
                                                                          Fireworks

                  Ryan Gosling
                                                                                                                            Ponds
                                                         Letters
                                                               

I won't ever be able to get away from you, even when you leave me.
I don't just love anybody, so just know that when I say I love you no one has ever meant it more than I have.
All I want you to know is that there is someone who loves you at your best and who loves you even more at your worst.
I'm so happy that you let me create memories with you, I just wish I could understand why you do it.
I'm hoping that one day you will fall for me, even just a little bit
Until then, thanks for being my friend.

I adore you, the world is worried,

Susan Atkins 

July.

It's July 4th, it reminds me of you. 

July, reminds me of you. 

You're into strangling? I get that. That makes you better than most of the people on this earth. Here's my chain, Darling. It's not for you to keep me in the kitchen, i'd burn your food on purpose. You can have me, but you can't own me. I'm already in love with you, what more do you want?