It's been far too long since i have written anything, but what's the point in me writing anything when I have nothing to say.

Everything I tried so hard to keep together is falling apart.

For several days now, all I feel is this black hole in my chest,

It just keeps sucking in all that I have worked so hard to fix about myself.

I'm not happy 

and

I think I've lost you

I'm not too proud of this blog anymore.

In fact, I'm not too proud of anything anymore.

GAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
FUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKK

GARRAHHHGGG
WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH YOU?


This is honestly all I feel right now.

For the guys I dated

1
We didn't really date.
We kissed. You were drunk.
You had a girlfriend, you told
me you were in love with her.
You are a registered sex offender,
also you were in a band;
I should have known better.

2
You wore wife beaters and
drank bottles of Dylsem.
I regret you.I hate how
I can't take the feeling of
you off my skin.

3
Having a family at 19 should not
be on your list of things to do.
You laughed when I was throwing up, at least
you were nice enough to fish my
piercing out of the toilet.
You were in a band, I should have known
better,
again.

4
You were the only
guy I was actually friends with before
we dated. You were also the only guy
that ever did a guitar cover for me.
Consider yourself lucky that I
actually fell for you.
I'm sorry it ended like it did.

5
My first everything.
I wish things could have worked out better,
you were broken, I was lost,
because of that we created something
beautiful. I wouldn't take back anything that
happened with you. Good or bad.
Part of me is who I am because of you.


For the guys I haven't dated

1
Congratulations,
this probably means that there isn't
anything wrong with you.

For the people in my life

1

You are the most beautiful poem I ever wrote with such a cheap pen.

2

You didn't let depression take you, 

you are the strongest person I know 

and I'm so thankful I get to see you

everyday. 

3

I'm sorry we fight.

If I could I would give you all the stars, 

I'm sorry I am so bad at speaking, 

just know that every other stars means 

how much I love you 

and the ones left over are how thankful I am.

4

You drink too much,

but I want to be so much like you. 

5

Words cannot express how thankful I 

am for you. 

6

I'm am lost in your sea, 

you left me with torn sails and no anchor

You make me want to get over my fear of the water

because I love being lost in you.

7

3 kids. 3 kids. 

Night shift. 

Holy shit, you are light speed. 

You amaze me. I could never do what you do.

8
You don't spend enough time on yourself
and I'm sorry I'm part of that problem.
More people should be like you.

9
Everyone else:
Thank you.

Being a poet is just too depressing

He spit poetry like lightning, some people hid and some people danced. 

I on the other hand was struck. My whole body hurt, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. 

You see these scars? Aren't they beautiful sad.

This is the best way I can describe how you make me feel

I had a forest growing inside my chest, where young lovers carved their names in trees, with a cabin for honeymooners who were entwined like puzzle pieces. 

You could hear whispers in ears:
"I'm not sure if this will last forever, but I don't really care if it doesn't, because we are forever right now. I adore you, I need you, I don't want to get the feeling of you off my hands and I don't want to stop kissing your lips."

"You mean as much to me as anyone could. I don't fall in love this easily, I love you, I think I need you. No one has to know, this is just you and I. We can die if you want to, as long as I can make you my grave. My chest was built to quake for you and my hands were shaped to fit your flesh."

My chest had a forest full of memories, now it's nothing. 
The last lovers who were here burned it down. He fucked her, lit a cigarette as she laid next to him, bruises down her back, the feeling of his breath still on her neck.

He burnt it all down, all of it. Destroyed, not even ash was left, just skeletons. 

It's sad really, we both have these blogs dedicated to a person we love but we can't have. I don't want to say that we're pathetic, because I don't think you are, but I think I am
And I feel like we are a lot alike, so maybe we are both sad and pathetic.

I don't think you are pathetic,  but I think you are sad.
Very very sad.

It's been more than 365 days that I first fell in--

And I--
God. . Your hands.
Your God damn fucking hands have alwa--

I just don't know if I should be happy or very sad.