I feel this way, a lot

Today is one of those days where I think I would feel most 
beautiful laying bare naked, back against the icy water, and cigarette in hand. 

I'm hoping that your insecurities against mine will make me hate you

I don't need you to love me.

Just hold me, push my hair from my face, hold down my arms, and fuck me till the leaves turn brown and the snow melts like my heart. 

I promise I won't love you any harder, that ain't possible dear. 


                                            
                  I don't need you to love me



I just need you to stay in my life,pretend like you want me, hold me, and trace your hands over my ribs like you miss her. 

                                  

9:45 PM 

And all I can think about is how beautiful you would look 



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down stream, 
through the trees,
past the lovers,
under the stars,

and me at your side. 

That damn bird won't stop screaming

There is a Dove in my chest, he's hidden under ash and old feathers.
He screams loudly every time your skin touches my coat or your lips part.
He runs my heart, he builds the nest where it rests, he pulls the strings when it forgets to beat.
He screams whenever someone asks me a question or takes a picture; he doesn't want the world to know about him or I.
There is a Dove in my chest who digs tunnels through my body; he owns me, collecting all my insecurities and building them up until i see you.
He pecks open my chest and they all come flying out like caged birds, except for this Dove.
He never leaves.
He sews up my chest with string he collected off a dress from a young girl who's mother never raised her right.
There is a dove in my chest who screams loudly every time your hands touch me, so he took them from you and built a cage around my heart.

You have my heart in your hands.

Please. 
Don't hold too tight.

Love, we would be terrible together

If I could cut you into every inch of my body I would and I'd talk to everyone just so I could tell them your story. 
I'd make sure they knew how you only bathed in lakes, just in case that was the day you decided to drown yourself someone would find your body somewhere beautiful.
I'd tell them how you wrote stories and how you drank tea. 
I'd tell them how I lied to you, a lot. 
If I could carry you with me everywhere I went I'd brag about how great of friends we are. I'd let them know that three nights out of the month you're all mine. 
I'd tell them about the time we danced together but never held each other.
I'd tell them about the time I told you how much a cared for you and you told me you wished people didn't care. 
If I could fly to the stars and back, i'd choose not to come back just so I would know if you missed me as much as I missed you.
I'd tell the stars about the roughness of your hands and how they match the roughness of me. 
I'd make sure the stars knew that once you made it to the moon you'd never stop fishing and you'd never stop writing your story no matter how much you hated it. 
If I could I would tell your mom every day how thankful I am that she gave birth to you and I would make sure that your dad knew how happy I was that he loved her. 
I'd make sure that everyone I met knew about how hot you are and how cold you can be. 
If I could wake up to you every morning i'd tell you to go back to sleep just so I could watch your chest go   up
                                    up
                                          up

                                                      and never come down
I'd let the oceans know that you run so much deeper than they do, i'd let them know that you're the reason i'm still sailing. The oceans will be so jealous.
If I could I would build you a cabin, i'd fill it with picture frames of strangers who were happier than we were.
I'd glue all the vinyls back together that we threw at each other
I'd wipe up the whiskey you left on the floor and sweep up the feathers we plucked from one another 
I'd burn the sheets we drowned in, wrapped together in just our skin
I'd kiss you and make it mean so much and you'd tell me you loved me and it would mean so little 
I'd tare down the wall paper and find the reason we ever loved each other, i'd pin all the pictures to the sky and compare you to the stars
I'd take the gasoline from the shed and burn down the whole damn place, i'd leave the ashes for the forest to grow stronger; it was something we were never able to do.
If I could I would carve you into all 206 of my bones, so I could remember how it felt to have you so close but yet so far away. 

KARA

When she left her heart for you she was 15, didn't know what she wanted, and had never felt this way before.
When she lost her virginity in the church parking lot; that was her first time.
When you leaned over and tried to kissed her during Sweeney Todd, it was her favorite part of the movie. Remember how she didn't kiss you for months after that..
You didn't make pigeons burst from her chest, you didn't make bees burst from her mouth, and you didn't make the words flow naturally.
You were her first everything, when she thought she loved you she really thought she loved you.
Running off to the park just so they could put their hands all over each other; you were the first man whose hands she actually wanted to touch her.
She waited for you when you left her for weeks because you tried to leave this life. She wasn't sure how much you wanted her anymore but she waited

                                                             and
 
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until music hurt and she wasn't sure if she wanted to wait anymore.
They were the strange Goth couple who met in special ed math class.
He had gone through a lot in his life and she had gone through not nearly enough to relate to him.
Despite of all his faults she took care of him and let him hold her.
Manic depression had never looked so good.
24 hours a day they spent together, couldn't get enough of filling each other empty.
They didn't realize that they were loosing everything the longer they spent together.
16 years old and she carried a life inside her, when she couldn't even take care of her own life.
Neither of them had the best human qualities but they tried to be comfortable.
Strange High school student turned strange teenage pregnancy; he thought he should drop out to take care of her.
16 and pregnant she was excited to have a purpose in life.
Three months pregnant and she didn't love him the way she did in the beginning.
Three months pregnant and he loved her even more.
When he touched her she felt sick, acted like everything was fine, told herself to be strong for their child.
Her mother pulled her out of High school because she couldn't stop throwing up her teenage years.
Dirty looks at grocery stores. Priceless.
She enjoyed the reactions she got with bright pink hair and a shirt that said "Lets get one thing straight, you're fat, i'm pregnant."
She had a high risk pregnancy got a disease that 1% of pregnant women get, she was just a statistic.
Every week another needle that reminded her that she was going to be a mother.
Day 1: Hospital
Day 2: Cosmetology school
Day 3: Doctors
Day 4: Cosmetology school
Day 5: Hospital
Day 6: C-seaction
If this baby didn't come now the 80% chance of still birth went up.
When they first saw her it was the happiest day of their lives, they felt whole. She thought she loved him again.
This little girl was beautiful and perfect despite being created by two imperfect teenagers.
Day 7: fight.
Day 8: no sleep.
Day 9: fight.
Day 10: no sleep.
Everything was falling apart around something so perfect, he couldn't please her, she couldn't love him.
She wanted the writings of her pulse to prove how much she cared for him, but instead she got empty wrists with heart rates that beat
                                  beat
                                       beat
at normal rate.
17 years old and she was a mother, a high school student, and a worker.
He was trying his best to keep them both happy, trying to work while being too depressed to get his head out of the clouds.
Drugs, alcohol, he did love them. He told her every day.
He just didn't know how to show it.
And she didn't know how to feel it.
4 break ups wasn't enough for them to realize how much they tore each other down.
Screaming unhappiness and smiles that barley came out of hiding, wasn't enough for him to realize they were falling apart.
What they had was sadomasochism at it's best, they loved to tare each other down until they could hold each others broken pieces back together as they tried to make love.
Walking in on him sleeping with her was when she finally had an excuse to leave; broken pieces held together by words aren't enough.
She didn't want her daughter to grow up thinking that taring someone down is how you love them.
She doesn't know what love is but she knows that what they had was something destructive.
She's finding herself now, taking care of the life she created and loving it the best she can love.
40% of teenage mothers graduate High School
and guess what humans i did it. I'm done.
I'm making a life for my daughter and loving her as much as i can love someone, i take pride in being a teenage mother every day because i'm not just another statistic, i have more purpose in life then most people do at my age.
I'm 18 with a 2 year old who teaches me how to be a better person every time i look at her.
Kara, I love you forever. I love you deeper than black holes. I love you harder than diamond and longer than then around the world a million times.
I hope I never fail you, because to me, you are accomplishment.