I need to let you both go, and that's so hard for me because I'm so selfish.

You told me to start over, I have a new chapter in my life.
I don't know if I like that, i don't like the thought of leaving everything else behind. I don't want to leave you behind R. I can't do that.
There are things I learned from you,  like how much love my heart could hold with so much rejection, except you never really rejected me, I mean we were friends. We were night time buddies, I loved that. I loved every minute of it. It didn't matter how little we touch or how we brushed off the fact that I wanted so much for you to call me your girl.
And here I am now, finished that chapter and I'm scared to reread it.
He doesn't like that chapter either, I have told him so many times that I don't feel the same way about you as I do him,
It's true. There was something diffrent with you, and there is somthing diffrent with him. I shouldn't have to compare and choose.
I think this is going to be one of my last blog posts, I'm going to try to write about my life now. I'm going to try to brush off memories. I'm going to try.
But I can't make any promises to you, or him, or me.
R, I'm trying. I'm really trying to keep you with me, but aperantly it doesn't work that way. I don't get to just hold on to you when I'm also trying to hold on to him. I don't want to let either of you fall and I hate myself for that.
Please don't leave me. Please don't. I need you here.
My heart still hurts for you,
but it's not allowed to.

Can someone get me some fucking Perc, I don't want to feel anymore

I'm just a fucked up girl who fucks shit up.
Don't get too close, ill probably fuck you over.
I'm not good for anything, I've got too much feeling that
fucks me over.
I'm fucked up and I'm starting to not give a fuck about
anything.
I'm just a fucking fake, who fakes just to feel.

comfort food

I guess maybe I have been a little sad,

Since all I have been wanting to eat are mashed potatoes and gravy.

I'm sorry I never finished the post I said I would,  I just couldn't get myself to do it.
This is the end and it makes my heart heavy but I think things will be ok.

I'm too depressed to write, I'm sorry that sounds so cliche. 

I've never felt so low, I don't really enjoy anything anymore 

I miss you, and I really want things to work with him,

but I think we are both slowly loosing ourselves.

I didn't want this to be my last blog post.

My last blog post is still in my drafts, I'm just rewriting and rewriting

Because I need to make sure I get my point across,

you need to remember me for someone I'm not;

the Real me is too sad. 

The definition of really loving someone

My hands trace the crevice of your back and I feel the way you want me and I want you too.
I planted my seeds for you, I took parts of me and grew you a forest.
Every part of your skin that my fingerprints touch grow daisies, some days but not often, they grow thorn bushes. It's times like these that we really take each other in and we don't make love, we fuck.
We fuck like we just came out of the water and we are our first breaths.
We fuck like we were never liars.
We fuck and we don't care what our families would say, we are no longer our parents babies, we are canvas and paint
And our bodies create art when we thrust, with every stroke your thorn bush cut my skin and I bleed out waterfalls that honeymooners first really kiss under.
But most days we make love, and I mean that we create love, we control the meaning.
It's you and I and daisies.
We aren't lustful teenagers we are lovers.
We forget how sad we are and we forget we are only 19.
Daisies won't ever stop growing out of your pours as long as my fingertips never stop gracing your skin.
You are the garden and my fingertips gardeners.
I get lost in the way your lips get lost in mine, I see comets with our names carved into them, other lips are jealous they don't fit as well as ours.
This is what it means to love
Moulding your skin into the missing piece of mine.
Melting till we forget we are human.
We are 19 and we don't just fuck, we make love,
digging graves as we do because we know good things die eventually.

And just like that, she felt alright.
He loved her, and it didn't matter in which way.

I fall in love with sad people, I fall in love with broken houses, and the fact that one day we might have to drink our selves to sleep. 

I thought I didn't have room in my chest for someone like you, I hate that I was wrong because I swore I didn't have room left, because of him.
You crept your way into my home and you found my heart, you held it and I fell.
I hate that you kiss me and that the thought of you leaving isn't ok.
Our love is depression and hormones, it's the smell of perfume and the taste of cigarettes.

It's talks till 5am and "love making" with clothes on.

It's telling each other how bad we suck at relationships but burying ourselves into each other till we can hear our bones scraping together and we can feel the ache of our hearts fighting each other.
I want to hold you during your worst days, I want to tell you how much I adore you and how much I love the idea that we might not last.
I was happy with being in love with someone who didn't love me back, I was alright with writing about the same old thing, retelling stories about him to small crowds.
I miss my nights with him, I miss the way he messed with my head and the way his hands felt.
But I love our nights together and the movies we don't really watch.
I love that you sing songs against my lips and that we can talk about everything.
I love the way your skin feels against mine.
I love the idea that you may not want me as much as I want you.
I'm not going to say I love you.
I don't think I love you, but i'm worried that one day I might.

It's been far too long since i have written anything, but what's the point in me writing anything when I have nothing to say.

Everything I tried so hard to keep together is falling apart.

For several days now, all I feel is this black hole in my chest,

It just keeps sucking in all that I have worked so hard to fix about myself.

I'm not happy 

and

I think I've lost you

I'm not too proud of this blog anymore.

In fact, I'm not too proud of anything anymore.

GAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
FUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKK

GARRAHHHGGG
WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH YOU?


This is honestly all I feel right now.

For the guys I dated

1
We didn't really date.
We kissed. You were drunk.
You had a girlfriend, you told
me you were in love with her.
You are a registered sex offender,
also you were in a band;
I should have known better.

2
You wore wife beaters and
drank bottles of Dylsem.
I regret you.I hate how
I can't take the feeling of
you off my skin.

3
Having a family at 19 should not
be on your list of things to do.
You laughed when I was throwing up, at least
you were nice enough to fish my
piercing out of the toilet.
You were in a band, I should have known
better,
again.

4
You were the only
guy I was actually friends with before
we dated. You were also the only guy
that ever did a guitar cover for me.
Consider yourself lucky that I
actually fell for you.
I'm sorry it ended like it did.

5
My first everything.
I wish things could have worked out better,
you were broken, I was lost,
because of that we created something
beautiful. I wouldn't take back anything that
happened with you. Good or bad.
Part of me is who I am because of you.


For the guys I haven't dated

1
Congratulations,
this probably means that there isn't
anything wrong with you.

For the people in my life

1

You are the most beautiful poem I ever wrote with such a cheap pen.

2

You didn't let depression take you, 

you are the strongest person I know 

and I'm so thankful I get to see you

everyday. 

3

I'm sorry we fight.

If I could I would give you all the stars, 

I'm sorry I am so bad at speaking, 

just know that every other stars means 

how much I love you 

and the ones left over are how thankful I am.

4

You drink too much,

but I want to be so much like you. 

5

Words cannot express how thankful I 

am for you. 

6

I'm am lost in your sea, 

you left me with torn sails and no anchor

You make me want to get over my fear of the water

because I love being lost in you.

7

3 kids. 3 kids. 

Night shift. 

Holy shit, you are light speed. 

You amaze me. I could never do what you do.

8
You don't spend enough time on yourself
and I'm sorry I'm part of that problem.
More people should be like you.

9
Everyone else:
Thank you.

Being a poet is just too depressing

He spit poetry like lightning, some people hid and some people danced. 

I on the other hand was struck. My whole body hurt, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. 

You see these scars? Aren't they beautiful sad.

This is the best way I can describe how you make me feel

I had a forest growing inside my chest, where young lovers carved their names in trees, with a cabin for honeymooners who were entwined like puzzle pieces. 

You could hear whispers in ears:
"I'm not sure if this will last forever, but I don't really care if it doesn't, because we are forever right now. I adore you, I need you, I don't want to get the feeling of you off my hands and I don't want to stop kissing your lips."

"You mean as much to me as anyone could. I don't fall in love this easily, I love you, I think I need you. No one has to know, this is just you and I. We can die if you want to, as long as I can make you my grave. My chest was built to quake for you and my hands were shaped to fit your flesh."

My chest had a forest full of memories, now it's nothing. 
The last lovers who were here burned it down. He fucked her, lit a cigarette as she laid next to him, bruises down her back, the feeling of his breath still on her neck.

He burnt it all down, all of it. Destroyed, not even ash was left, just skeletons. 

It's sad really, we both have these blogs dedicated to a person we love but we can't have. I don't want to say that we're pathetic, because I don't think you are, but I think I am
And I feel like we are a lot alike, so maybe we are both sad and pathetic.

I don't think you are pathetic,  but I think you are sad.
Very very sad.

It's been more than 365 days that I first fell in--

And I--
God. . Your hands.
Your God damn fucking hands have alwa--

I just don't know if I should be happy or very sad.

\

Our mouths don't belong with each other, the way they entwine and part to fit like an artist with a blank canvas.
My lips don't belong on your lips like jumper cables.
Our lips don't go together,  they never did, never will

never can.